'Is this me?'

A few days ago, I was sitting down in a pub having dinner with G's mum, sister, brother, uncle, aunt and G.

I looked around and thought to myself, 'how surreal this situation is!' I never could have imagined being in this sort of situation, ie. being accepted into and considered part of, an English family, much less being in the hospital every day, with G and his mum, visiting his frail-looking dad.

But as I was having dinner that night, I looked around, tuned out the English voices, and allowed a thought that had been coming to me every so often to resurface. Call it a quarter-life crisis or whatever, but I asked myself, 'Is this really me? Or am I only acting as someone I think is me?'

Have I been acting happy, carefree and successful, or am I really those things? Am I really myself, then? And if I'm not, why am I acting like this? And if I'm only acting, why do I not know what I'm hiding from?

Why am I asking myself this? Am I afraid to be myself? Am I afraid of having a white boyfriend? And why do I sometimes feel like I don't fit in anywhere?

Sometimes I feel like I don't think the same way my peers do, and that scares me, because then I'm afraid that I won't have any friends. And then, I find that I think the same way G and the like think. Maybe I was born in the wrong country. But I hate to think that way, because I love Malaysia. I love being Malaysian and I wish I was more like my friends. But if I was, I'd probably be as fearful, unadventurous and self-centred as them (generalisation).

Not that I'm not.

But I like to think I'm more world-savvy, if not Malaysia-savvy.

Perhaps I've just gotta wait a few more years for the answers. To gain more wisdom. Or maybe I just need time to settle down in this new stage of my life.